Forgive Me, Body, For I Have Sinned

It’s been five days since my last confession. And this one is a doozy.

It’s been a rough week. The closer I get to seeing my fiancé, the harder it gets being away from him. You’d think I’d be mostly giddy that we only have just over 3 weeks to go, but instead I find myself getting depressed and frustrated.

I’m finishing up the last details for the wedding, stressing constantly about expenses. I went and got my dress fitted – [which cost $80! The dress cost $99, what the hell!] – and found out I lost another Inch. That’s 4 inches total, gone in 2 months. I should be happy! Instead I’m annoyed. I keep bouncing between the same 3 pounds. Been stalled around here for over two weeks and I’m going manic, just to add to wedding stress. I also got the smallest paycheck EVER yesterday and that depressed the shit out of me.

I’ve been realising that I need to force myself to get at least 1400 calories each day. I average maybe 1000 and have been like that for a month. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. That’s it. And that’s good! Or least miles from where I’ve been before. But it’s been suggested that at least adding 3 “high” calorie days to my week could help my stall. I get my vitamins and nutrients, not a doubt. I hit my macros. I just need to eat more.

So that’s where it started. I abandoned my Fat Fast ideas because caloric intake is NEVER my problem, and nor is my fat intake. I’ll still sit and eat cream cheese (because I prefer to have more fat than protein each day), but I don’t need ONLY cream cheese. I realised that when I go out to eat at a restaurant, I eat more than I do when I eat at home. Going out to eat is newly appealing to me for this reason.

Friday. Friday is where it went all wrong. It started well enough: I went to hang out with a good friend. I ate a tiny bit, but kept my carbs super low because I knew I was going to drink. I got there and had half a bottle of wine. His boyfriend brought us Subway and I hoovered my spinach salad (so good!) and that was it. Having a good time, feeling proud of my control, until — I had one (strong) hit of weed. That’s all I had because I do it so incredibly rarely (a few times a year) that I didn’t want to lose control.

Welp. I did. Self-control blown straight out the window. It started with an innocent handful of sweet & salty kettle chips. Then another. Then I ate half a bag of white cheddar popcorn. Because I get high so rarely, I never learned how to control the fucking munchies.

Not so bad right? I mean, all in all, I could at least use the calories and it was probably less carbs than I ate at my bridal shower a week ago…

Yeah. Then I drove home and saw Taco Bell. “I need the calories,” I thought. Crunchwrap, soft taco, chips and cheese. BUT DON’T WORRY – I made sure I ordered Diet Pepsi! It was delicious, but I have been wracked with guilt for 24 hours now. I felt like hell waking up. I’ve been bloated all day. I’m just the biggest Saddo ever!! I’ve been irritable and anxious and I know some of that is psychological. I gained 2 pounds – guess that’s my standard gain the first day after carbs.

I’ve eaten very well today but still came in low on calories (1000). I’m already at 23g of carbs for the day and I just had my big dinner so I don’t think I’ll be able to choke down any more food tonight. I’m going out to eat tomorrow with my friend (who’s trying to eat healthier as well, yay) so I hope I can hit 1400.

I have my next doctors appointment on Thursday. If I can lose 4 pounds by then I’ll be okay. I need to talk to her about my Period That Never Ends. I plan on researching about Paleo Primal this week. If doctor doesn’t have any fixes or suggestions for it, then I’m going to switch over to Paleo (or Primal which is paleo with cheese). I heard a lot of girls do it to avoid exactly what I’m dealing with. I love Keto and I will happily go back to it after the honeymoon, but I have ABSOLUTELY GOT to sort this bullshit out for at least those 2 weeks. Plus, I already plan on eating some carbs and kind of relaxing on the diet for the honeymoon. We’ll be active enough anyway…

I feel like I need to remind myself of the GOOD things I’ve accomplished. Yesterday, before the CARBOCIDE, I took a photo and was relatively amazed at the lighting – my face looks so svelte:

Difference?

So I was/am feeling good about that picture. But I know it’s smoke and mirrors, but when I put it next to a face shot from April I think, maybe it IS noticeable..

I have lost 28 pounds. That’s good. I’m stuck but I’m NOT 28 pounds heavier, and I’m not gaining.

I lost 4 inches. Although I do think I put an inch back on last night.

I crave healthy food (when I’m not under the influence of anything). I actually find it difficult to think of ‘carb’ meals I want to make at home, simply because I don’t crave them.

When I research Paleo/Primal I’m going to have to be very specific with my meal plan. If I start on August 18th, then 2 weeks to get into the groove and be strict, then 2 weeks to do whatever I like.

Right. I’m still so angry at myself. I’m angry at everything. It’s just been a bad day and I need to just go to bed and start over again tomorrow. I felt SO GOOD on Thursday and in two days, lost all that pride I had in myself… Sigh.

ForHealthxx

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