Forgive Me, Body, For I Have Sinned

It’s been five days since my last confession. And this one is a doozy.

It’s been a rough week. The closer I get to seeing my fiancé, the harder it gets being away from him. You’d think I’d be mostly giddy that we only have just over 3 weeks to go, but instead I find myself getting depressed and frustrated.

I’m finishing up the last details for the wedding, stressing constantly about expenses. I went and got my dress fitted – [which cost $80! The dress cost $99, what the hell!] – and found out I lost another Inch. That’s 4 inches total, gone in 2 months. I should be happy! Instead I’m annoyed. I keep bouncing between the same 3 pounds. Been stalled around here for over two weeks and I’m going manic, just to add to wedding stress. I also got the smallest paycheck EVER yesterday and that depressed the shit out of me.

I’ve been realising that I need to force myself to get at least 1400 calories each day. I average maybe 1000 and have been like that for a month. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. That’s it. And that’s good! Or least miles from where I’ve been before. But it’s been suggested that at least adding 3 “high” calorie days to my week could help my stall. I get my vitamins and nutrients, not a doubt. I hit my macros. I just need to eat more.

So that’s where it started. I abandoned my Fat Fast ideas because caloric intake is NEVER my problem, and nor is my fat intake. I’ll still sit and eat cream cheese (because I prefer to have more fat than protein each day), but I don’t need ONLY cream cheese. I realised that when I go out to eat at a restaurant, I eat more than I do when I eat at home. Going out to eat is newly appealing to me for this reason.

Friday. Friday is where it went all wrong. It started well enough: I went to hang out with a good friend. I ate a tiny bit, but kept my carbs super low because I knew I was going to drink. I got there and had half a bottle of wine. His boyfriend brought us Subway and I hoovered my spinach salad (so good!) and that was it. Having a good time, feeling proud of my control, until — I had one (strong) hit of weed. That’s all I had because I do it so incredibly rarely (a few times a year) that I didn’t want to lose control.

Welp. I did. Self-control blown straight out the window. It started with an innocent handful of sweet & salty kettle chips. Then another. Then I ate half a bag of white cheddar popcorn. Because I get high so rarely, I never learned how to control the fucking munchies.

Not so bad right? I mean, all in all, I could at least use the calories and it was probably less carbs than I ate at my bridal shower a week ago…

Yeah. Then I drove home and saw Taco Bell. “I need the calories,” I thought. Crunchwrap, soft taco, chips and cheese. BUT DON’T WORRY – I made sure I ordered Diet Pepsi! It was delicious, but I have been wracked with guilt for 24 hours now. I felt like hell waking up. I’ve been bloated all day. I’m just the biggest Saddo ever!! I’ve been irritable and anxious and I know some of that is psychological. I gained 2 pounds – guess that’s my standard gain the first day after carbs.

I’ve eaten very well today but still came in low on calories (1000). I’m already at 23g of carbs for the day and I just had my big dinner so I don’t think I’ll be able to choke down any more food tonight. I’m going out to eat tomorrow with my friend (who’s trying to eat healthier as well, yay) so I hope I can hit 1400.

I have my next doctors appointment on Thursday. If I can lose 4 pounds by then I’ll be okay. I need to talk to her about my Period That Never Ends. I plan on researching about Paleo Primal this week. If doctor doesn’t have any fixes or suggestions for it, then I’m going to switch over to Paleo (or Primal which is paleo with cheese). I heard a lot of girls do it to avoid exactly what I’m dealing with. I love Keto and I will happily go back to it after the honeymoon, but I have ABSOLUTELY GOT to sort this bullshit out for at least those 2 weeks. Plus, I already plan on eating some carbs and kind of relaxing on the diet for the honeymoon. We’ll be active enough anyway…

I feel like I need to remind myself of the GOOD things I’ve accomplished. Yesterday, before the CARBOCIDE, I took a photo and was relatively amazed at the lighting – my face looks so svelte:

Difference?

So I was/am feeling good about that picture. But I know it’s smoke and mirrors, but when I put it next to a face shot from April I think, maybe it IS noticeable..

I have lost 28 pounds. That’s good. I’m stuck but I’m NOT 28 pounds heavier, and I’m not gaining.

I lost 4 inches. Although I do think I put an inch back on last night.

I crave healthy food (when I’m not under the influence of anything). I actually find it difficult to think of ‘carb’ meals I want to make at home, simply because I don’t crave them.

When I research Paleo/Primal I’m going to have to be very specific with my meal plan. If I start on August 18th, then 2 weeks to get into the groove and be strict, then 2 weeks to do whatever I like.

Right. I’m still so angry at myself. I’m angry at everything. It’s just been a bad day and I need to just go to bed and start over again tomorrow. I felt SO GOOD on Thursday and in two days, lost all that pride I had in myself… Sigh.

ForHealthxx

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Keto On

It’s been a weird week. I’ve been obsessed with my stall (what’s new?). I’ve been panicking about my non-stop period. I barely kept up with my Fasted Cardio because I was working long shifts that were fucking with my out-of-alignment back, or so they excuses go. I still did cardio, but I also haven’t lifted in weeks. 

However, Friday I found myself doing an accidental Intermittent Fast. I was up until 4am Thursday night/Friday morning, feeling incredibly productive and not tired. Then had to work at 9am. I woke up angry, tired, stressed, pained, everything and went to work in the worst mood. It was my last shift of the week and I was hating my job and myself. I didn’t have time for coffee or breakfast. I hadn’t eaten since 12am. I worked and worked some more. By the time I got to noon I thought, “Hey, why don’t I make the best of an annoying situation?” I’ll fast until my lunch break at 3pm. 3pm hit and I thought, you know what? I’m out at 5:30 I might as well wait until I can have a big proper dinner. I wasn’t hungry. I was still annoyed and tired, but I only wanted coffee (which I never got). I drank water all day. 

I got home and made a massive dinner: a bed of spinach topped with a drizzle of asiago peppercorn sauce; placed TWO burger patties smothered in melted cheddar on top, with a small orange sweet pepper (carby but only small!). Then a drizzle of sriracha with mayo to dip. I typed it all on MyFitnessPal. That one meal was 1,100 calories! And I ate every last bit. If you’ve been reading, you know I’ve been having problems(?) with my appetite, so I very excited to be able to eat all of it in one sitting. I’d have to say that has been the biggest benefit of IF for me.

Because I had barely slept the night before, I was sitting on the couch after eating and taking my supplements, watching Extreme Weight Loss (nicely inspiring) and could barely keep my eyes open. I took a time-release Melatonin because I didn’t work the next day and wanted a DEEP sleep (I dabble in lucid dreaming). I went to bed at 8pm and didn’t wake up until 7am. So Friday, I did a 23/1 Intermittent Fast.   

Saturday was a normal day except my calories were low. I also realised I’ve not been eating my vegetables like I used to. Because of my difficulties eating, I’d never have ‘sides’, so no broccoli or cauliflower. Even my spinach consumption has dropped, although luckily not diminished. So now when I cook I made a conscious effort to eat some broccoli first. Cruciferous vegetables are also excellent at helping metabolise oestrogen, so hopefully it’ll help regulate me again.

I was babysitting my niece Saturday night so we played Wii and dolls and I crashed on the couch. Woke up to coffee and hung out with my sister for a while. Her house wasn’t full of much Keto-friendly stuff (without effort) so I told her I was doing an IF day. I went shopping and bought some clothes for my bridal shower on Sunday. Got home and didn’t eat until 5pm. So I fasted from 10pm Saturday to 5pm Sunday (19 hours). I didn’t track my calories and just ate a typical Keto dinner. I snacked on cream cheese and Babybel. I stopped eating around 10pm (5 hour feed). 

Monday morning (today), I weighed myself. I dropped 3 pounds after 2 days of IF. I think I’ll alternate them or just do them on days where it’s easy. I don’t need to plan in advance, just wake up and see how I feel. Example: This morning, I felt like breakfast. It’s good to see my body really respond to IF. Not just in terms of losing weight, but also finally being able to pound back a high calorie meal. I think that’s the best part of IF, is I don’t have to count calories because I know it’ll be difficult for me to go over my limit in a short amount of time.

I read last night, that from an evolutionary standpoint, women restricting calories but their body in a ‘DON’T REPRODUCE’ response. So I’m wondering if this is why my low calorie on top of a low carb diet has made my body just continuously menstruate? I’ve decided to just stay calm and keep going. I’m seeing my doctor August 15th and if nothings stopped maybe she can change my birth control. And if it comes to the worse, I’ll just reintroduce carbs at the end of August and bite the weight-gain bullet. I’d rather be 5 pounds heavier with no period for 2 week honeymoon. I can go back to Keto afterwards. But in all my research, most girls say it takes the body 1-3 months to balance its hormones. Waiting is my best option for now! Argh, fingers crossed. 

 

I’ll just revel in finally losing again. 

26 pounds in total so far – lost and KEPT off. I only vary by a pound. Maintenance is  super important to weight loss. Who wants to put it all back on after all that work? Which is what I’ve ALWAYS DONE. Not this time. Slow or fast, as long as it’s steady. 

ForHealthxx